The Top Secret deal between 11 countries that will affect your life

June 18, 2013

You know one of the most powerful weapons the government can use against us? It’s not missiles, or gas, or propaganda, or threatening to release all the nude TSA body-scanner images of you as Christmas cards. Nope. …It’s boredom. When evil stuff is boring, mind-blowingly BORING, people don’t give a crap about it. Boring evil is the worst! People care less than Vladimir Putin at an Amnesty International convention.

I’m about to tell you about a highly secretive trade agreement the U.S. is entering in that will mess with the safety of our food, the strength of our environmental regulations, and will protect foreign corporations from our laws – and that’s just the friendly stuff. It’s called the Trans-Pacific Partnership and—See! I knew it! You fell asleep! Wake up! Every time I try to explain this to someone they face-plant right into their French Onion soup before I even get to the word “Pacific.”            

TPP, as it’s called, would be the largest quote-unquote free trade agreement in the world. And “free trade” sounds good, doesn’t it? This is Amerrrica, we’re all about freedom. “Free trade” sounds like it involves sunshine and lollipops and a world where Star Wars never had its corpse dragged through the mud. But in fact it’s called free trade because once it’s passed, American workers are free of jobs, and corporations are free of regulations, and Wall Street is free of restrictions. Two and a half million jobs have been lost due to NAFTA alone. And most importantly, under TPP foreign corporations won’t even have to abide by our laws. If they feel something is unfair, they can take their complaint to an international tribunal. …Just like the bad guys in Star Wars!

And I know what you’re thinking, “Ugh, Lee, I’m so sick of hearing about the Trans-Pacific Partnership! Every day the news is talking about it and showing pictures of it and asking whether its bigger than we thought and whether it could endanger New York City and whether it could have implications for generations to come and…”  Oh, wait… I was thinking of Kim Kardashian’s backside. Never mind.           

The reason you haven’t heard about TPP is because the negotiations have been largely top secret. And you have to ask yourself, when our elected representatives are negotiating a trade deal that will fuck with all of our lives, why should we be kept in the dark like a dog on the way to be neutered? Right now the Obama Administration is looking at us and going, “Don’t worry. We’re just going to the park. It’s just a ride to the park. We’re not about to chop your balls off.” There’s still time to change this though. Spread the word about the Trans-Pacific Partnership. Force the media to cover it. Tell your friends – but take it from someone who knows, don’t give them French Onion soup beforehand.

~  Lee Camp is Commissioner for the Comedic Arts in the General Welfare Branch of the Green Shadow Cabinet. This statement is one of over a dozen issued in support of the Green Shadow Cabinet's June 17th call for action against the TPP.